It'd be so nice to receive an e-mail or text message or phone call from Bart. I'm in my parents' house for a week while they're on holiday and Bart and I did agree not to have any contact... but come on.

I'd so much like to hear that he actually misses me. Or that he'd like a hug. Or that he's finally realised it's all nonsense and he wants me wants me wants me and please come back now. Actually not hearing anything at all either means he's unbelievably strong, or that he just really doesn't give a damn that I'm gone or rather, that he's happy to finally be alone. I hate all those options, because he's been alone since Friday and NOW is the time for him to have had enough of the alone, because I don't like it any more.

I went by his house Monday morning when I knew he was at work to pick up some things I'd forgotten, and I was so struck by what I saw. The house really stank. Literally. It was a huge tip everywhere, even my side of the bed was piled high with clothes! I was crying the whole time as I walked around collecting things. Not necessarily because it was such a mess, but just because it was so obvious that I was not missed at all. [And that maybe, he was even relieved to finally be able to leave mess all over the place.] It really, really hurt.

I couldn't concentrate on my course work any more after that so I sent him a text message, saying "Are we over?". And guess what? He did not reply. That felt so rude. It hurt. Goddamnit.

He is playing such dangerous games with my heart.

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I feel so