Haarlem, 04/10/2007, 1:13 pm
Things going through my Head
Why is it itching; what's the little dent I see. Is it another fistula? Oh my god am I going to cope?
What if I'd been more physically loving to that person at the reunion? We're no good for each other at all but we've always had a weak spot for each other. We might have kissed or cuddled. That would have been... comforting.
How the fuck am I going to get rid of this continuous rotating mess.
Another trip to the hardware store. More plugs, more drilling adventures. If I'd only known to make the hole bigger I should start drilling before I hit the tiles instead of after otherwise they chip, before I made that third hole and ruined the wall. Now I have to refill the grouting and cover the edge of the ring with silicon.
Am I going to do the grouting now? And if so will I do all the other small bits of grouting that still need doing? And the silicon? Also in the bathroom? Or will I leave it to the builders? I don't really want them back.
Why am I so dizzy, am I anaemic again? I'm tired. Is that really only because I went to bed too late the last four days in a row? It could be the side effects of the second antibiotic type. But this feels so similar... Of course it's healthy paranoia after such a long period of continuous health set backs, but what about the fistula? That could be a third and that is scary...
The plinths. The covering of the pipes. The end of the floor. The ventilator. The leaking tap. When am I going to arrange for the builders to come back?
Sigh. The more I work in the house the more there is to do. Friends keep blowing me off. Family can't help.
Shall I buy the new wardrobe a second time, but the right bloody colour this time so it matches my bed? What will I do with the cupboard I spent two days putting together? It's a very difficult job to take it apart again seeing the bed is in the way (will that have to come apart again too?) and it can only be laid flat to take apart on the other side of the room where the floor is lower and it will fit under the ceiling diagonally... It's a ridiculous and unnecessary endeavour. But I'm so unhappy with the unmatching bed and wardrobe after I went through so much trouble finding exactly the right one... I'll never be fully content unless it matches like it was supposed to. Shut up, don't be such a bloody perfectionist. But...
I still must play violin, I want to hoover the attic and put the left over carpet down so I can hide unused things up there. I want to hoover and clean the second toilet and washingmachine area — but do I do the grouting first? — and put the cupboard in so I can put away my toiletries, get rid of the table in the hall and clean up downstairs a bit more. I also need to shorten the curtain rail but I don't have a saw. Will the hardware store provide the service of cutting it for me? I also must have lunch what will I eat? And it's such a mess here it's driving me nuts. And the washing up. And the washing. I need to go food shopping. Help??
And there are so many more little, big, difficult, easy but a nuisance, impossible and bulky jobs to be done and the queue in my head is getting restless and insistent.
I don't know what the hell order to do it all in.
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