Now what.
I came here to just, well, say things.
They've all left my head.

There are so many things stuck inside me, things needing words, things having too nasty words to let them come out, things that have a ton of words but none that actually qualify or mean exactly what the right word would mean.

I've broken up.
That means two things: I've broken up, me, I, whoever I am, is now in pieces, and I've broken up with my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, or however I should name it.

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I feel so

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There are so many different little tiny reasons. And I hate all of them. What I hate even more is that I'm not going to write any of them down here. Just none, it would be useless. Well, not for me, because I need to get rid of all those things that have found themselves a nice little spot inside me to cling to and bond with, refusing to let go... And I don't think it would be useless for "all of you" reading this now curious, wanting to know. Or at least, I would want to know if this were someone else's diary which I read occasionally or often. But it would be useless for... um, actually I don't know. Probably something to do with the fact that I've never, in this entire online diary, gone into detail about this relationship I ...had. And that has a huge big reason stuck to it, too.

I want to scream now. I am so annoying myself. And I'm fed up with my eyes, they are constantly swollen now, I just can't see through them properly in the mornings and there's loads of slimy stuff glued to my eyeballs, which I can't get at :(. Also, my neck is starting to hurt a very big much. My screen (21", I found out! I've always thought it was 17", oh dear!) is to the right of my keyboard, in the corner of the huge desk, because it's too big to sit behind my keyboard, and it looks, well "stylish". It's never bothered me, but now my neck's starting to hurt because of it.
It's all beside the point.

I'm lost, in time. I have just no idea what to do with it. I have this extended Easter weekend, in which M. was going to come. So I planned almost everything around this weekend, did extra things before, planned to do extra things after, so I'd have as much time as possible with him. Oh, but he didn't come.
I really thought this time, that he would. It was a promise.
Stop making me cry.

That reminds me, I forgot to finish what I was starting to say about my swollen eyes. I can't remember in which order I'd planned to put it, but the swollen eye phenomena is a symptom of the cry disease.

To continue what I was trying to say before I got reminded about the cry disease and had to finish what I was saying about that, I haven't planned to actually do anything during these few days. So now I'm stuck. Last night I'd stopped doing whatever it was I was doing at 8pm, thought for a bit about what I should do, didn't even consider playing violin, and just went to bed. I was in bed at 8.30 (!) and switched off the light at 9. I don't think I've ever gone to bed that early, except for when I was this little naughty girl who had a fixed bed time which was 8, but could never sleep... ah, I think then even I didn't get to sleep till 10pm. Hah.

Anyway, that's even more beside the point. I think I'm not very sure of where the point is, exactly.
I woke up at about 3am, and I really thought I'd just woken up a bit early in the morning, say 7, and that it was almost time for me to get up... or that I could start considering getting up soon. So I looked on the clock to see how long I had, and I was shocked! So well, I just went to sleep, and woke again at 7, indeed. Went back to sleep again and didn't wake up until, to my disappointment and annoyance, much too late. 10.30.

I slept for 13 and a half hours! I'm disgusted.
And I still don't know what to do with my time. There are so many important big assignments for school I have to get finished (and started on first), but I just can't suddenly start on any of them without having planned it. It's so annoying. To keep my mind off things I've started designing a new layout for my diary. I like it I like it. It's a lot of messing around though, I'm proud of how much HTML I've achieved to know so quickly, but now I've got to figure out exactly how Java Scripts work to get what I want, too. Aaargh.

I'd promised to text someone as soon as I knew if M. would come this weekend or not. So I did, and she phoned me straight away. She was so sympathetic, and she also told me to go do some enjoyable things. There's nothing I find enjoyable though, or I can't think of anything. Anything I do just makes me annoyed, because I know there are so many other things that need doing which can't be done during that wasted time because I'm doing something else. But that's not really the reason why I don't enjoy things. You figure it out.

She invited me to come with her into town, I sort of went "moan", but later on I decided to go with her anyway. And it was most annoying. The thing is, I was finally doing something, but then I had no energy left any more. I just dragged my feet after me, hardly saying a word. Blah blah blah.

I'm so bored now. So annoyed.

And I hate myself. I've withdrawn from any kind of contact with anybody more and more. And more and more. I have not contacted any friends (friends? Friends? What are they?) at all. I didn't even reply to a nice guest book entry Jen left me. I haven't asked how any of my class mates are doing at the times that I appeared at school for one hour at a time (while they were all very caring and patiently asking me how I'm doing). I haven't written any e-mails to people who deserve it. (I can think of three.)

I'm still not talking to my mother. Did I mention that? She said something really unforgivable about M., I still hear her say it and I still see the look in her screwed up eyes. And a week later she repeated it. So, I have no mother at the moment.
And my dad doesn't understand me any more. He used to. He didn't even need words for it. But it's not like that any more, not since my mum started whining about his personality and tried to change him. He did it for her, now he lost what he had with his daughter. He hasn't even changed to my mother's likings. Well, he's almost there, but it's all an act.

I so much hate sitting in my room on my own at the moment. All I'm reminded of is M., all the times I've imagined him there with me, I could cuddle up to him when I was in bed trying to get to sleep. My imagination comforted me, supported by the belief I'd see him soon.
No chance now.
I'm going to have to take some pictures down. :(. There's quite a few of them. I'm so miserable.
Well, if it's still categorizable into that mild form of depression.

So I was saying I hate being in my room on my own. But I detest being here, down stairs, in this messy house full of busy ants. The whole family is in my way. My dad gets annoyed with me because I am annoyed with him asking me wrong questions instead of understanding me without needing explanation, my sister's the most rowdy person I know, my mother is pretending there's nothing wrong, I hate every move she makes and she's always getting too close to me, physically, and trying mentally too. And my brother's not here. And I don't want to phone any of my class mates. Or friends for that matter.
There's something wrong there, you see it? :(.

People are talking in the room. Just the fact that they're doing that is annoying me. That's bad. And I am annoying myself, too, by sitting here at ten to midday, still in my pyjama's. I wouldn't be bothered about that usually. But I can't stand it now. My whole day's been wasted. Wasted because I got up too late, wasted because I'm not dressed and therefore not able to just go out the house at any given moment, wasted because there are so many things I should do which I already know now I won't, wasted because I haven't played violin and I want to but don't want to any more as soon as I get near my room... And now my knees are hurting because I've been sitting cross legged for too long. I'm hungry, that too, and there's still no food in the house. My dad's going shopping in a minute. My dad can't stock shop. What my dad buys when he's going shopping, is all the ingredients he needs for the dinner of that day. That's all.

I want to wash my face.
I feel so dirty.
Although I'm not.

~ Stomach filling ~