I don't know where to start. What to say. What to say first. I'd like to start with my tummy is aching but that doesn't do it justice. It's not just aching, it is this typical cold burn; this perfect need for the toilet without feeling pressure; or the feeling of pressure without the need for the toilet. It is this typical feeling of ouch wait don't flush, I wasn't done yet but nothing comes.

My fourth colonoscopy in two years went fine. I slept and I felt lovely and dreamy afterwards. But the pictures are awful. The doctors are scared. And all my beliefs and proud certainties that I will be one of the few that recover and live a healthy life, happily, were not just frowned upon this time. They were stamped upon, hammered upon, attacked with ice picks and axes and drilled down to beneath the ground with big, firm devices. Now I am shaky, uncertain, scared. And in pain. Two weeks ago there was no pain. God damnit.

The doctor said if my colon doesn't clear up soon, there will be no other choice but to remove it.

I am 22. And then I'd automatically add: a young and healthy human being, but I suppose it's time I accept the fact that I am only 22, and a human being.

The questions arise once again. Why? Why me? What for? What reasons are there? What was there in my past that I am being punished for? Was it not my past but my present way of life? What is wrong with that? Why doesn't this just happen to the cousin of that old lady's niece who lives across the street?

Sentences repeat themselves in my head, things people said to me. "It's only a phase, hold on, you'll get through this Jasmine, I just know it, you are strong." "You have a steady fire in you Jasmine, it won't go out." "Just keep trying new therapies. It will work eventually, it always does. It did with me even though it took two years, but something made it stop and we never knew what exactly it was, but I'm healthy now and you'll make it, too."

But isn't this pain just because I decided to eat gluten again? Didn't the pain, the gas, the extra blood loss all start when I had a pizza, then a croissant because I didn't feel anything bad after the pizza, then a pre-packed sandwich and two wraps, another pre-packed sandwich and a cheesebun? And another? Though I know it won't clear up if I quit gluten again, at least the pain might go.

And if the pain's gone, what's the difference between having an ill colon and having no colon? The latter will give me a huge scar, and an external pouch for a temporary time but in the end, both will mean more frequent stools than a healthy human being with a colon. So why, why why why should I have my colon removed?

Hm. I won't lose blood without a colon. I'd get to sleep at night, through the night (I hope?). But is that worth the horrible time after the operation, and the scar, at such a young age, when I do, still, secretly, believe that I might actually heal?

What about my studies? WHAT about my studies? My degree? My LIFE? What about ME, what the hell is the plan of my life?! I finally HAD one and now it's being taken away from me... but I cannot figure out what its replacement is. And that is so unsettling it makes my tummy ache from stress. Which is nice because that stimulates the inflammation and yay! we're back to where we started in the circle.

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I feel so