My daddy is the most patient man on Earth. Well, he used to be. But he's getting old. I used to be the worst adolescent you can imagine, and most of my rudeness and disrespect was spouted in the direction of my mother. It was only occasionally that my dad interfered (poor mum) to perhaps defend her or tell me off. The thing was, often my mum got snappy at my dad, and I defended my dad righteously, but blew the whole thing up, just to be able to make a fuss and start an argument. But because I was right about the main things I shouted at my mum when I commented on how she treated my dad, my dad usually let me. Which of course, upset my mother greatly.

She had every right to be upset by it: I didn't keep myself from exaggerating or giving my words an extra nasty tone, plus the fact that she felt attacked by her eldest daughter and husband at the same time. I couldn't help wanting to defend my dad though, I loved him so much (and still do), and the poor man never stood up for himself. He just took all the insults and moans from my mother (or from others for that matter), so I felt responsible.

Don't worry I've grown a bit older now. You won't see any similar scenes from me in this house any more. Now, it's my sister's turn. My poor mum planned everything perfectly, aiming for a child every three-and-a-half to four years, so she would be able to give each child the necessary attention. She forgot one very important aspect though. As soon as the eldest child reached puberty, she'd have to deal with adolescent after adolescent until there weren't any children left at the bottom of the list. As I said, I was very good at playing my role being an adolescent: it resulted in my mother having a nervous breakdown. I left adolescence with bumps and jerks, and as soon as I was more or less out, my sister entered the years of darkness.

Watch out mum, here comes another joy-ride. My dad has "learnt" now though, over the years. Today he lost his patience. Very much so. My sister, is worse than I was. Not per se a worse adolescent, but she has the "Drama Queen" character. Combine that with severe adolescence and a fairly free upbringing, and what you get is disaster. I can't even remember what the incident was about, but my sister refused something and at the third or fourth request shouted, "NO!" at which my dad shouted � my dad shouted! � at her not to say "No" to him, and after more backchat from M.I.D. (my sister) he got up from his chair and walked over to her in a threatening way. His face went red. I've never in my life seen my daddy get so wound up. To be honest, I think he never has before. My mum was surprised too. His body kindly made some extra moist to be sent through his tear-ducts. His eyes watered. He didn't tear though.

---

I feel so

---

i have always wanted to play the violin,
but i never was able to master it.
the one thing in the world i would die for
--music--
is the only thing i was never able to understand.
but even so,
i drown myself in the history of music,
the stories of the composers, from the beginning to the end.
i love them all, so different and intense.
something so pure,
something i could never do.
it astonishes me.
you are a musician.
i love that.
music is the only perfect thing in the world.

I feel so lost. It's like all the things I have to do have disappeared since I've lost my violin. I am so craving to just walk up the stairs into my room, find my violin in its place, pick it up and start playing. I feel like I have a handicap. The text is Erato's. Beautifully perfect Erato. (Never seen a diary so fantastic. Perfect writing. Crime, the exquisite theme for a design, and excellently executed! Are you a suspect too?) It was a mere guest book signing.

take free enneagram test

I'm depressed. Not the real kind of depression. Just severely miserable. That's all. I won't get over it soon.

~ Musicianship ~