All I want to do right now is play violin without having any thoughts in the back of my head. That means playing violin freely, without any pressure or obligations. Without having a time schedule making me stop just as I get to the point of studying new measures instead of repeating what I'd already learned.

All I want to do right now is bugger off to England in a little car, perhaps with a friend I get along with properly, and tour around all the seeing sights. Nice and touristy. Nice and ridiculous. I want to drive around the whole of England, visiting each and every old ruin, enjoying the atmosphere and the country side, the peace and quiet.

All I want to do right now is have a proper, profound talk with my ex-boyfriend. Not M. Not the other M. But P. The one that my thoughts have circled around and come back to more and more often lately. I'm writing him a letter. Naughty me. Or justice me. That depends on my motives.

All I want to do right now is jump on a plane and have myself flown to England, not to tour this time, but to invade my new friend's place. Just meet, and then be there. Just be there.

All I want to do right now is visit my dear uncle, my father's brother, and his wife and kids. They love me. I love them. They have busy lives, they live far away. They're in England. I miss them. I want to have all the time in the world to be able to mess around with the kids and have educated conversations with my uncle, watching my aunt as she observes our conversation, slowly seeing her get drunk and change from an almost uptight, difficult and stubborn maths teacher into a hilariously amusing, silly woman.

All I want to do right now is find a way to make all these things possible, and make them possible. The hardest part will be making them all possible at the same time.

How convenient that none of these things rhyme with my current necessary undertakings. How extraordinary that so many of these things take place in England.

All I want to do right now is be able to not want anything at all.

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I feel so