You broke my trust again, again. And once again you did it merely because you thought it would do me good. I really thought you would learn, would learn to respect and accept my requests, my urgent note to you to not do something I don't want you to do, even if you don't understand why, like you apparently didn't. Or was it because you didn't think my reason a valid one? Did you think your own reasoning would override my own, because, of course, your reasoning is by definition better than mine, if you come up with an excuse that would make you allowed to do what I asked you not to, that would be reason enough to do it?

Yes, I know very well that the supposed 'excuse' you came up with was one that was meant as a favour, you meant to be of help, you meant to be a good friend and support me and make me well. But, pardon me, why would that justify what you did? Why would that override my explicit asking of you not to click links, not to read any more than what I was showing you. I trusted you. I trusted you. I god damn trusted you.

There have been so, so many things that I have done my utmost for to keep away from you, little things, personal things, important things, things that come too close to my inner core, things of my own that are very fragile, very vulnerable, purposely, in order for you not to be able to hurt me by doing something you think is a good thing, but is actually very morally wrong. Because I know you are very capable of thinking your way into something unjust, when you so badly want to do something right. I kept things from you because I never fully trusted you (yet) after the last time (and the time before that) that you broke my confidence in you. But somehow, somehow, you were able to find something anyway, to hurt me with.

Don't, please don't get me wrong. I am fully aware of the fact that you would never ever actually look for something to hurt me with. Oh no. You would not do that. But what you would do, is search and probe for something that you might be able to use to kindly help me. You would even go so far, in your fierce, forceful line of thoughts that thrust you through any obstacle that might get in your way, so far as to dismiss one of my boundaries. You weren't allowed to go any further. But you did.

And why? Did I ever ask for your help?
No I didn't, but that wouldn't mean I didn't need any.
Did I need any help? No, I didn't!

Then why did you want to help me? What convinced you that I needed help?

Don't tell me, because I already know.

Your own mind. You got stuck, once again, in your own stream of consciousness, in one of your own endless floods of thoughts that keep you going, the continuous building of theories or ideas on top of previous thoughts that aren't even reality, but are merely things you assume or even make up, or think to be able to legally conclude from something you think you see, or from something you see but interpret incorrectly. That's where you got the idea from.

(But why did you think that would override my stream of consciousness, my line of theories? Do you believe so strongly that you know me better than I know myself, I, who is and always has been so excessively self-conscious, and has a bluffing amount of self-knowledge and -understanding, and who has even shared with you the fact that I have struggled in the past with my self-consciousness? I hope you'll burn the printouts you made. I do not want anybody else to accidentally find them.)

But how could I be angry with you?
How could I?
You meant so well. So well.

But it all went wrong again.
And still it is not necessary for you that I am angry with you, I know damn well that you will be kicking yourself in the balls for what you did, because you will of course have realised that you should not have done it. As always. Because you always realise. (But you always realise when it's too late; you always realise after the harm has already been done.) It would only make your intense feeling of guilt worse, it would only make you drown in the pool of regret, sorrow and bitterness towards yourself in which you now exist.

But on the other hand, how can I not be angry? How the fuck can I not be angry? How could I just accept this, how could I not have this feel like an intrusion, like a betrayal, like a severe disappointment, like disloyalty, unfaithfulness, unreliability (after you promised me when I cried over the phone that you would never betray me again)...?

I am just so hurt.
And so at a loss.
What am I to do? Forgive you?!
Forgive you?! For this? Well, eventually, maybe, but how could I do that now? But if I can't be angry, nor upset because that will hurt you too, what is there left for me to do but forgive you?

But when will it end, then? When will the time come that you will learn where the limits are, and that you are not to go over them? Will you ever learn, if I keep forgiving you? Or will you learn once I've been destroyed, shattered too severely, totally broken down? Will it take that much for you to actually learn?

There is but one thing that I am certain of: if it does last that long, if you do stay ignorant long enough to get me down into the void of blackness, that will be the one thing that will make you learn. To destroy me, the friend that you have leaned on so drastically, have needed so badly, more, I must add, than you realise, would be the one thing that would make you learn to respect other people's limits. For good.

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I feel so