So my opinion on this "happening" a week ago keeps changing. It's so tiring and I'm annoying myself greatly by it. Why can't I just make a final decision and stay by it. Yesterday night I was suddenly so determined that I was so happy to have such a good friend, a friend who understands me so well and who means a lot to me, with a friendship I really do not want to lose. And he agreed, we talked about it and were both happy we thought of it in the same way.

But then I saw him today, and I once again couldn't figure out who he really is. For me I mean, what kind of role he plays in my life, or what kind of role I'd want him to play in my life... I've decided once again that what I really want is, him. But when I think of the consequences, of him having very many different friend groups of which I hardly know anything, him keeping things to himself a lot, treating everybody (and I mean everybody) equally... I wouldn't be able to bear not knowing everybody he knows, just to be totally part of his life, and him not making me feel special due to the fact that everyone is treated equally by him.

Another major problem is the fact that he is crazily in love with this girl who I know very well. A girl who doesn't show her real self to the outer world because she is too shy, a girl who my best friend in question thinks he knows but really doesn't, and a girl who has made very, very clear that she does not want a relationship with him. He knows that now. Unfairness makes "the girl" fondle him which is so painful, for both "him" and me.

I'm just thrown from one point of view to another and I can't seem to stop myself and halt somewhere for more than a few hours. Even when I choose to more or less ignore my friend or at least not give in to my craving to be near him I'm pulled out of that plan as soon as he says something to me or smiles. And I am jealous. Me. I. Am. Jealous. Did you think of that as a possibility? I certainly didn't. The thing is, after our night, he doesn't put his arm around me any more, like he used to often. He doesn't rest his head on my shoulder when we're both bored in a lesson or make little plaits in my hair when I drop my head down on a desk... But when I say I think we're being weird he denies and replies that he thinks it's all back to normal after it feeling queer to have seen me again. � To continue what I was going to say: he doesn't put his arm around me any more, but he does put his arm around others. That could mean so much. It could imply any possibility.

And I still refuse to forget the goodbye kiss I got when he left my house. He wasn't drunk any more then. No excuses there boy. He can't explain it either. But I don't want him as a boyfriend. So I say now. Too many things would be... awkward? Things would have to change here and there and I doubt if either of us are up to it. But I so want to just be able to caress him when he's frowning or kiss him as a thank you for something. Or invite him over for no reason...

Somehow when I go through with my ignoring-plans it seems he doesn't even notice. That's not very comforting. But on the other hand, I can't at all know if it's true, because he hides many things like that. And as for my not feeling special to him, he has said that I mean a very big lot to him, and when I can't believe that's true I remind myself that it was me who he text, and nobody else, when he was beaten up by 6 guys in the middle of the night, even before informing his mother. He didn't even tell one of his mates until today, and one of the females I'm most jealous of (the one who gets the most hugs) hadn't a clue of what happened to him and how many bruises he had until this afternoon, when she specifically asked for him to tell about his highlights of the weekend.

So that should prove that maybe I do mean a little more than others to him. But then show me boy, goddamnit. I don't like things the way they are now: acting like really close, good friends when we don't see each other (using texts and phone conversations), and when we see each other and there are many other people around, it's like we have nothing more than what we have with the others.

Somebody get over here and force some useful information down my throat (or ears, that's maybe more effective) so it'll enter my head and give me a proper view. Maybe then I'll know what to do, what to think, what I want, where to go from here...

~ Mercy ~

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I feel so