As tired as a rock. Is a rock ever tired? I'm not here I'm an illusion. Rocks are old, does old age tire? Today was the worst day I've had for a long while. I woke up at nine, and slept again until the phone rang at ten thirty. I had arranged for "the pianist" to come again this weekend, and it was him phoning probably to arrange something more detailed. Then the phone cut off and there was no way for either him or me to call back.

Apparently he'd come over, because when I'd finally dragged myself out of bed at a quarter to one (hitting myself and snapping my own head off, shouting because I hated myself for wasting so much time, again) I found a note that had been put through the door.

He never phoned again. He never came back. I tried to reach him all day, phoned his house where he was not and rang his mobile on which I left messages when it was off (I imagine the battery was probably dead) and left it to ring without any answer later during the day when it worked again. The note had said "see you later" as well as some macho comment.

I feel so bad.

I took all possible precautions in case he'd turn up again or phoned, took phones with me into the shower, left messages telling him to enter the house through the back door if I was out shopping and he found himself back here... I just heard absolutely nothing from him.

I hate it when things go wrong. I hate it even more when things go wrong and it's my fault. I hate it even more when things go wrong, it's my fault, and it gets worse through doings of others. Because that makes it impossible for me to get angry at them because it's originally all my own fault. But he should have tried again.

He knew he'd woken me when he phoned. And yes, shortly after the phone disconnected I did vaguely hear something similar to a doorbell-ring, but was too sleepy to realise it might be the pianist at the door. And he is so familiar in this house, he's known the family for eleven years. There once was a time when he'd just turn up, coming in through the back door, so that's exactly what I expected him to do if I wouldn't open the front door for him. So instead of worrying about him coming in if it was him causing the maybe imagined doorbell ringing, I fell back to sleep.

Just think with me, my whole day has been wasted. I went shopping (for food!). That's all I did, apart from play some violin and wait, phone, wait, phone. I was in such a state. I still am. Wrecked, tired, grumpy and very, very chagrined.

I didn't even want the pianist to come.

Apart from that I very much miss the love I could get from one particular person. He's been trying so hard to get me back but it just all seems too little. Not what I need or not justice or I don't know what. I just so want his hug and I'm not taking it when he offers. I make myself so miserable, lonely and emotional. When I'm busy it's bearable, I can block things out then. But on a day like today, when everything's gone wrong already, when I'm as alone as hell and left by all who should have contacted me, it kills me.

The wedding I went to last night was really good. I wasn't part of the party but I played the chauffeur driving all the guests up and down from the car park to the party hall. I wasn't home till three in the morning, so there's my reason for not getting up with a smile on my face at nine.

M. called me just minutes after I'd got out of bed.
I just don't know what to do.
I was so mean. He wanted to hear my voice, he said. I wanted a companion, I thought.

Shiver, shake, cry. There's so many words I could throw on a sheet of paper to paint this issue but nothing, absolutely nothing can help me describe what needs describing. And I can't do it on my own.
Please give me insight and stop me crying.
Give this passed day a purpose.

~ Warm the stars ~

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I feel so